the_rabbi

speak, hear, see.. none of them!

2008-01-16T11:55:00.000+08:00

hear no evil! see no evil! speak no evil!

finally, some updates!

2008-01-15T08:11:00.000+08:00

at long last! i'm able to retrieve my old blogger password!! i really do miss talking to myself, pondering on things..

little do i know what has been happening with the world around me, the only updates that i used to get is about how to sleep better, and how to delay calls from getting in.

calls? oh yeah, im now working at a call center. im a customer services representative.. is there anything else that i can assist you with? that's my favorite spiel i have in my line of work. alway ready to assist customers with their needs. its fun(that's what i thought) when people scream at you and you can picture them with their silly faces and you can just place them on mute and make faces too! but eventually, it'll be boring.

this is my first job! and im loving it!(as of now.)

ALIVE!!!!

2006-11-23T22:11:00.000+08:00

its been a very long time since i last posted here.

i think of him when i wake up.

is he awake now?

i think of him while i dress myself.

would we be wearing the same color?

i think of him when i eat.

did he eat already?

i think of him while i travel.

where could he be? is he safe?

i think of him when i laugh.

is he happy right now?

i think of him while i sing.

can i hear him breathe right now?

i think of him when i dance.

is he enjoying himself right now?

i think of him when im in bed.

would the moon light his way in the dark?

i dream of him in my sleep.

will we be together forever?

-----rye

these that i hear...

2006-07-11T20:40:00.001+08:00

im hearing noises,

but they appear to be some sweet songs.

those empty words,

they fill my hopes.

that feigned sad music,

it doesnt really mean a thing at all.

how can those people hear what really is happening but i cant?

i dance to my heart's joy when i hear that beat,

but i never had realized that those where the songs that linger's in my mind,...

am i going to be someone who has impaired hearing?

i am being manipulated by the sound of destruction.

scars

2006-04-23T11:51:00.000+08:00

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much 
My scars remind me that the past is real 
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone 
I'm pissed cause you came around 
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain 
And I can't help you fix yourself 
You're making me insane 
All I can say is

[Chorus:]
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once 
Against my own advice
I saw you going down 
But you never realized 
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature 
Tonight is our last stand 

[Chorus]

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever came around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand 
Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself 
But at least I can say I tried 
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life 
I can't help you fix yourself 
But at least I can say I tried 
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life 









my perfect song.

hah! life's changing..

2006-03-07T22:22:00.000+08:00

i dont know.. its been a very long time.. but anyways,... keeeber!

love really is hard to define. it changes other people's lives without them noticing that they themselves has changed and there is nothing that you can do to win back the life you once owned.

i used to be the strongest person in my life but with just one lil turn, it changed. just like when a lil pebble is thrown in a still water and waves just appear everywhere distubring its silence. *sighs* i dont know what im saying. maybe now, ive seen the pain love takes with. and ts ironic cause evn if you awnt to stop loving, its still there and its only pain that seems to keep on coming back. isnt it stupid? i dont known if i cuold still find contentment right now. i have broken my self.; just ike a cominnuted fracture or something that sounds like that.

i want to be strong, or just be sa close as that strng person i used to be. (char!) hehehehe

*blurbs..*

im such a klutz!!!

chiaroscuro

2006-02-05T19:11:00.000+08:00

chiaroscuro
Originally uploaded by the_rabbi.

An element in art, chiaroscuro (Italian for lightdark) is defined as a bold contrast between light and dark.

The term chiaroscuro has been applied since the later 18th century to a printmaking technique which finds its best expressions in aquatint and in xylography, and in china (ink) drawing. The technique requires a skilled knowledge of the perspective, the physical effects of light on surfaces, the shadows. Chiaroscuro defines objects without a contouring line, but only by the contrast between the colours of the object and of the background

geeez.. i wonder how dark is my dark side.... bwahahahahahaha

almost valentines day

2006-01-30T22:37:00.000+08:00

love season....

it sucks.. i dont have someone to hold my hand to. all i hear are i love you's from people that i really dont know and people tellin me that they missed me even if they dont. i wish things go back to the dreams that i was having long before.. i miss that old feelin.. but wasnt i stupid? while i tried to break the trance that i was into because missed loneliness, but now that its here, it really sucks!!

i wonder what it would feel like..

*sniffs*

i just cant go into a relationship without finding out what i really want.. so stupid.

sh*t

2006-01-29T15:43:00.003+08:00

i am so sorry..

sorry....

really.. i mean this.......

i feel so bad..

sh*t

2006-01-29T15:43:00.002+08:00

i am so sorry..

sorry....

really.. i mean this.......

i feel so bad..

sh*t

2006-01-29T15:43:00.001+08:00

i am so sorry..

sorry....

really.. i mean this.......

i feel so bad..

and its like this

2006-01-23T00:07:00.000+08:00

i made my mistake..
its been a while..

here's an update...

christmas was sad,

new year ws boring.. and had my first bottle of red wine.,

classes started at jan2.

had to do lots of write-up,

had my first 2 sticks of cigarettes and my first super long night out on sinulog..

now i feel sick.. i miss touching my nose with somebody else's nose.. i miss bgein hugged..
i miss huggin.. i miss saying i love you and hearing that phrase from someone who really does love me..

it sucks..

and this is gonna be for real...

2006-01-05T22:47:00.000+08:00

never been worse.

im so scared.......

i ran so tears wont fall

2005-12-12T23:52:00.000+08:00

the screaming voices the resonates in my mind as i ran through a dark road that was flled of deadly eyes gives me the shiver. and as the muddy ground that i stepped into illuminates the memories of inevitable pain that continue to torture me. pictures in my mind that makes me wana scream out of anger at myself.

there i was, feigning smiles and laughters. i can no longer withstand learning that tears are going to wet my cheeks making them shimmer in the night sky. He came together with him his raging thought of burning sensations of love and jealousy while there i was hiding all the pain and fear inside of me. i cannot share these forbidden emotions that i have burried in oblivion. no light shall ever get inside it. i came after him and followed himwhen he walked out but his 360 degree turn made me deaf, a monotonous scream of different emotions came rushing inside my auricles battered my eardrums. i felt numb. my heart beat so fast that my body cannot cope up with the blood rushing in my veins. all thoughts crashed into an island far from my dream and brought me to the darkest reality. love has shown his shadows. i sought for the tune to catch along to get directly in his heart. but i failed myself.

his voice had awaken the sleeply people. everyone stared at us. i felt like melting away from humiliation but his rage spurted out and burnt me away. i rfoze, sweating like a pig. i started to back out and walk the other way around and tried to shut the door tightly only to hear the roars of pain. and at that point, all my anger wanted to burst out, i help myself, i crushed my heart, i closed my mind, just so that i would calm down. a deep talk came and i didnt want to listen for i was sick of listening to the same old things.

he hugged me, tears were overflowing, it was starting to fill the riverbanks. the feeling of wanting to hug him back came to me at that moment, but the urge was stopped by pain i would have caused.

i ran as fast as i canso that the wind would kiss my face and wipe the tears away from me. so that the sobs could be misheard for coughs, my body's energy would jsut be wasted and soon i will break down in that same dark road. the memories will look at me, i would be lying unconscious and exhausted with no tears. i have closed my heart and threw it away the moment he stained that needle with his own blood.

i will now falter, i will now swim back in my dreams, i will fly away somewhere, naked and not ashamed of the dark. i have learned. the light in me is gone, and i will never gonna let it shine again. that way, no one will be fooled by the pain it can cause. and no one shall ever be blinded and be burnt by it.

the_end

tagalog freak

2005-12-11T00:56:00.000+08:00

patawarin mo sana ako.

hindi ako iiyak sa harap mo,
doon ako sa sulok iiyak,
kung saan walang makakita,
sa harap ng mga tao,
ako ay tatawa,

hindi ko lubos maisip,
ang sakit na aking napinsala,
napakasama ko.
hindi ako ang... AAAAARGH!!

ewan ko.. nauubos na ang tagalog ko.

PFFFT!

self pitying sucks... pretty sucks...

2005-12-10T13:09:00.000+08:00

self pitying really sucks..

yes, and im an a**hole for going to have some self-worthless sort of speech. lolz

NOT!!!

right now, im afraid to be part of someone else's life. i dont want to ruin anybody. or if ever they do want to get ruined, i dont want to be part of it.(giggles).. but really, i feel so vulnerable to anything. yep! whats the word, thats the word! and i dont want to suffer from any nostalgia or radiating pain with in me that seems to grow deeper by even pain i inflict to people..

i just want to be alone...

such a looser.. lolz

i just hate it.

2005-12-05T15:33:00.000+08:00

others think im all that.. innocent, young, good hearted, fun.. im NOT!!!

im a freaking imbecile! aargh!!!

and i just feel like not myself anymore..

what hav i gotten myself into?

2005-12-03T22:16:00.000+08:00

such trouble that im putting myself into..
i'm trapped in this mess..
i feel nostalgic..
damn this feeling...

and will i be forever be afraid?

i just want to feel how lonely life can be...

boo,

2005-11-20T22:43:00.000+08:00

boo
Originally uploaded by the_rabbi.

im really sorry....

..badjao..

2005-11-19T23:18:00.000+08:00

this goes with the tune of a song that goes something like,, "alive, alive, alive forever more.. my jesus is alive, alvie forever more" something.. ehehehe

allum, allum, allum iya sa umol.
si isa ko allum,
allum iya sa umol.

allum, allum, allum iya sa umol,
si isa ko allum
allum iya sa umol.

magkalang magsukol, magkalang magsukol.
si isa ko allum iya sa umol.
magkalang magsukol, magkalang magsukol.
si isa ko allum iya sa umol.

i would like to thank my sponsors: the badjao's in the pediatric ward, if it werent for them, i wouldnt know the song,. and my classmates who gave me the lyrics or this song..

thank you fan!! lolz

desiderata

2005-11-09T22:09:00.000+08:00

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

i forgot who the author was. something with max or i dont know.. hehehe i just loved the poem.. or whatever this is... ahehehe

the process in the examination of conscience (in order to make a thorough confession)

2005-10-14T23:04:00.000+08:00

okay. this one is pretty weird. i was waiting for my ride at some corner when this really really old woman and her young accompanying gave me this piece of paper. i thought she was asking for something when she just started saying something. i didnt figure it out, and then i felt dumb strucked by what i saw. OMG! whats this on my hand? weird and a bit insulting.. here goes nothing. and oh, by the way, i just want to apologize first for whatever this means. i just dont understand this...

the process in the examination of conscience (in order to make a thorough confession)[just as what was written in bold letter as its title.]

have you killed?
pride
hate
offended
deceived
false witnessing and telling a lie
backbite
stealing
usury
irritable
curse
suicide
envy
speaking bad words
calling bad names
false judgment
to do bodily hamr somebody
reasing or viewing lustful materials
lustful desires
dishonor parents through words or deeds
making fun at religious people
feeling against your work or employer
fornification
incest
masturbation
homosexuality
sexual act with prostitutes
prostitue callboy
live-in
auldtery
polygamy/bigamy
excessive drinking
drugs
gambling
smoking
no baptism
no confirmation
abortion
vasectomy/ligation
withdrawal
apostacy
heresy
worship in non(some church) church
sacrilege
unworthy partaker of the eucharist
failure to attend masses and holy obligations
using the lord's name in vain
urine therapy, pranic healing, silva, mind control, spiritism, pyschic, faith healing
using balck magic and believing in weird practics(nah. just translated that. i really didnt even understood this)
rituals
amulets
fortune telling
not tithing

and then there was this other paper with i dont know. its was even spookier.. uhmm.. yeah, they may have the right or something to express themselves, (like me) but i guess that doesnt mean that they can discriminate people. and in case tehy havnt notice, was ese is there to do? they already mentioned everything. i mean, what does religion mean? is it some laws and regulations one has to be obliged to do. maybe a guidance, but i dont know. honestly, i think this is funny, but its insulting. have they even tried not just to look but feel the present situation in our country? practically speaking, i guess i would be backing out from this thing. whoever made that thing in, i guess he was just lost.. pity.. i know we are all sinners, nobody's perfect. but i think we can try to be ourselves, someone who's not perfect but doesnt discriminate others for their beliefs and for what they do..

blah-blah-blah.. just wanted to share this weird experience. aehehehehehehe

intra-uterine fetal death

2005-10-13T22:58:00.000+08:00

remembering that im a nursing sutdent and would be exposed to different special areas, we had our chance of being exposed in the delivery room. (ooooh... the clit and stuff... eew...) well anyways, have you ever heard of the term IUFD? in means intra-uterine fetal death. meaning to say, the baby died in the womb, he never ahd the chance of seeing the world. ok.. it was our first time to see this situation. so, i did took all the chance to see this and appreciate the "natural" things. the baby's skin was soooo loose that even as my classmate wiped him very softly with a clean cloth, his skin would just peel. his eyes were soooo sad, and if you could only touch his skull... it was sooo soft as a water balloon.. he was soo small.... seeing this for the first time, we wanted it to be "Documented" so i grabbed my camera phone, but it was really weird. it seems it was moving in the screen and wouldnt even stay still. so i thought it was just my phone since it was always like that. i tried to borrow my classmate's phone.. at first, it said it doesnt have any space for the picture, so we deleted a lot of pictures, but it was still the same.. really weird.. so we decided to just let the baby rest in peace.. i guess he wanted his peace..

pretty weird, but i dont know... what do you think?

'doh!

2005-09-22T23:26:00.000+08:00

whats a poetic irony? what is my life tragedy?

weeee!! its my birthday! am i gonna party right?

2005-09-12T22:36:00.000+08:00

weeee!!

my birthday was fun! thank you everyone for remembering my beertdee.. ahehehehe i really really REALLY appreciate it.

i would like to thank my sponsors:

my family, cousins, friends, classmates, tanan!! hahahahahaha

somebody asked me if i was happy,.

uhmmm.. why wouldn't i be happy? i've got a family( as of now which is under sme scary thing), i've got my cousins who's always there to back me up, my classmates, and of course,.... my FRIENDS(i realy cant mention all yournames here, lets say, mia, james, ian, erica, glenN, divina, nathan, jay, sheena, marc, and the other pink posse, and waaaaah!! i cant mention all your names here.. churi po) .. !! who i can be what i want and laugh....

and most of all, my boyfriend! yeah!! i've got freakin beau that always surprises me with his sweetness and all.. he's the best that i ever had.. thank you so boo for being their.. you've been so good to me..(please don;t spoil me with your love! *winks*)

yeah...

thank you all...

19 years.. i better start enjoying my last year of being a TEEN-ager...

thank you GOD!!

:-)

slumber party!!

2005-08-21T22:28:00.000+08:00

the past week has been so hectic. stressful.. a lot of things to catch up, exams, duty, school work, family arguements, and what else?.. this weekend, i just had a "vacation". *grins* a vacation at my booboo's house. i felt bad about lying, but i dont regret it cause i am happy about what happened.

its so great! before you sleep, you get to see the face of the person who you love, kiss him and hug him. and when you wake it, its still his face that you see! and you could kiss him and hug him (even if your breathe stinks*gigglges*) and you dont even have to be worried about waking up alone in the bed..

stay up late, watch some dvds, some kissing and loving! *grins*

this has been one of the greatest weekend i could have wished for..

balik nasad ni class.. kapoy.

what a break.

2005-08-14T23:33:00.000+08:00

midterms is finally over!! wooohooo!!

now, better catch up, got a lot of failing grades. damn it. but it could have been worse, but either way, it fun.. duty and all..

after the week, a fun movie with my booboo does the trick. a few laughs, the thrill, minor screams, uhmmm... and a hand that grabs mine. the eye infinity was not the movie i expected. i thought it was supposedly to be scary, but it wasnt! it was a bit funny, the story was a tragic, sad.. i was in the edge of my seat for quiet a while, but it really didnt worked. although it wasnt that scary, it wasnt that bad either. it was a fun movie!!

booo..

let me start my other reports and documentation. why am i this busy? im not supposed to be busy!!! darn. ahehehehehe

booboo's catering services.

2005-08-06T23:48:00.000+08:00

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh


Baby, I see you workin' hard 
Wanna let you know that I'm proud 
Let you know I admire what you do 
Don't know if I need to reassure you 
My life would be purposeless without you 
If I want it (you got it) 
When I ask you (you provide it) 
You inspire me to be better (ooh) 
You challenge me for the better (ooh, ooh) 
Sit back and let me pour out my love letter 
Let me help you take off your shoes 
Untie your shoe strings, take off your cufflinks 
What you wanna eat, Boo, let me feed you 
Let me run your bath water 
Whatever you desire, I'll aspire
Sing you a song, turn the game on 
I'll brush your hair, help you put your do-rag on 
Wanna foot rub, want a manicure 
Baby, I'm yours 
I wanna cater to you, boy 

Let me cater to you 
Cause baby, this is your day 
Do anything for my man 
Baby, you blow me away 
I got your slippers, your dinner, your dessert 
And so much more, anything you want 
Let me cater to you 

Inspire me from the heart 
Can't nothing tear us apart 
You're all I want in a man 
I put my life in your hands 
I got your slippers, your dinner, your dessert 
And so much more, anything you want 
I wanna cater to you 

Baby, I'm happy you're home 
Let me hold you in my arms 
I just wanna take the stress away from you 
Making sure your that I'm doing my part 
Boy, is there something you need me to do 
If you want (I got it) 
Just say the word I (I'm a try it) 
I know whatever I'm not fulfillin' 
Another woman is willing 
I'm gonna fulfill you, mind, body and spirit 
I promise ya, I keep myself up 
Remain the same chick you fell in love with 
I'll keep it tight, keep my figure right 
I'll keep my hair fixed, rockin' the hottest outfits 
When you come home late, tap me on my shoulder 
I'll roll over 
Baby, I heard you, I'm here to serve you 
If it's love you need, to give it is my joy 
All I wanna do 
Is cater to you, boy 

Let me cater to you 
Cause baby, this is your day 
Do anything for my man 
Baby, you blow me away 
I got your slippers, your dinner, your dessert 
And so much more, anything you want 
Let me cater to you 

Inspire me from the heart 
Can't nothing tear us apart 
You're all I want in a man 
I put my life in your hands 
I got your slippers, your dinner, your dessert 
And so much more, anything you want 
I wanna cater to you 

I wanna give my breath, my strength, my will to be there 
That's the least I can do, let me cater to you 
Through the good, the bad (the bad), the ups and the downs 
I'll still be here for you, let me cater to you 
Cause you're beautiful (you're beautiful), I love the way you are (you are)
Fulfill your every desire, your wish is my command 
I wanna cater to my man 
Your heart, so pure, your love shines through 
The darkness, we'll get through 
(So much) so much of me is you (is you)
I wanna cater to my man 

Let me cater to you 
Cause baby, this is your day 
Do anything for my man 
Baby, you blow me away 
I got your slippers, your dinner, your dessert 
And so much more, anything you want 
Let me cater to you 

Inspire me from the heart 
Can't nothing tear us apart 
You're all I want in a man 
I put my life in your hands 
I got your slippers, your dinner, your dessert 
And so much more, anything you want 
I wanna cater to you

for catering services, please call (143)405683096802660

its a wonderful feeling

2005-07-30T23:11:00.000+08:00

to be long to someone is such a good feeling.

seeing your freedom in his company,
being able to move around his world,
falling in a never ending drop with him,
cursed to hear his laughter everyday,
bound to hold each others hand,
finding happiness with him..

its really so beautiful to be loved. and its great to fall inlove everyday..

my traumatic week of wasting my time

2005-07-21T23:10:00.000+08:00

great!!

he's the thing, this freakin teacher keeps on nagging. we don't have the free will to do what is right and she's driving us nuts with her being so unorganized. how can i file for an anonymous petition? i mean, is there anyway of letting the school administration know about this without my name being dragged to it? m classmates are a bit scared. and its pretty stupid!!!

help!!

at this area, students just turn so dumb. aaaargh!! i can feel the molds in my brains starting to grow.

poki sucks!!!!

with all your respest madame, please, pity your self. look at you!!!!! have yourself "closed"!!

damn.

grunts

2005-07-14T22:21:00.000+08:00

damn.

its been 5 days, i dont know what's goin on inside this little head of mine. it just suddenly hurts. 5 days in a row, having a sick head ache. its like something is moving inside it. darn it!! something inside my head wants to go out, but something deeper inside it is holding it back. i feel like my brain's gonna burst. call it exaggerating, but it really does does hurt. and it makes me sooo uncoordinated.. i just lost my dexterity.

maybe it's stress. i've been thinking hard abput things, i've been trying to try to work hard on my freakin studies, and weighing my life.

or am i just dying? NOT!!! hehehehehehehe kidding.

i just needed a lot of sleep.. i guess. hahahahahahaha

oink®

commited

2005-07-03T22:17:00.000+08:00

every little thing he does is magic.

he just keeps on sweeping me off my feet.

and i feel safe with him.

i trust him,

i love him.

he loves me.

i can feel it.

am i really the luckiest guy?

2005-06-29T23:08:00.000+08:00

a letter
Originally uploaded by the_rabbi.

so, here i am, making this blog thinggie entitled "am i really the luckiest guy?"

i believe everyone is lucky in their own way. NOT! hehehe kidding, your lucky if you look at things and you feel lucky to be with it. (you dont get it. right? ahehehe)

well anyways, this picture was made infrotn of me! ahehehe and it may have a lot of corny lines, it still gives you the shiver, he's so sweet.

tears.

tears fell while he was writing this letter, i didnt know why tears were there(we didnt even have a real big fight or did something wrong)..

he was writing his letter with all his emotions(his hypothalmus was really working hard)! i was so touched with his letter. i mean, it was something like "korny-sweet" as others may call it, but to me, it was something more than a letter. he really really loves me.. and i really love him..

if there's one thing i'm so happy about right now, its feeling so proud to have a someone who loves me. and i know and am sure who loves me.

dont get too sweet!!, i might have diabetes mellitus! ahehehe or whatever that thing is called. ahehehehe

oooh-weee

2005-06-26T22:53:00.000+08:00

last friday, the 24th of june 2005, i felt soo special..

he's one of the most wonderful thing that has ever happened in my life.
he's so sweet.
he's been so good to me.
he may not have that much patience,
but he's the only one that can ever tolerate my insanity.
he's good the looks,
and i feel so proud of being envied by a lot of people.
he may say the corniest jokes and the corniest sweet lines,
he still makes me smile.
he makes my heart skip a beat.
he makes my life something i never imagined about.

i dont know what else im going to put in here. one month down, a lot more to go.. challenges may come, but i know, i've been and am lucky to be with him.

his smiles i will cherish forever..

i dont know, but he has this way of making this body hair of mine grow so fast! ahahahahaha

damn..

i feel so lucky being with him....

what's your coping mechanism?

2005-06-21T22:37:00.000+08:00

here are commonly used defense mechanism:

repression

an unconscious forgetting or storing of painful experiences

suppression

the conscious forgetting

rationalization

giving a logical or justifiable reason of a socially unacceptable behavior

undoing

make up for a previously done unacceptable behavior by doing something acceptable

displacement

transferring strong feeling from the original sourse to an object that is less threatening

denial

not accepting reality or facts

projection

attributing one's own unacceptable desires or feelings to another. or simply, blaming others

sublimation

redirecting socially or sexually unacceptable behavior to something socially acceptable

reaction formation

showing the opposite feeling or behavior of one's true emotion

compensation

making up for one's shortccoming or defects by doing good in another field.

so, what's your favorite defense mechanism?? :-)
there are a lot more but these are some of my favorite defense mechanisms that i've used! hahahahahaha

im getting fatter

2005-06-19T00:44:00.000+08:00

tamboka na nako oi!!!!! waaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!

dli ko palabot ani!!!!! mababoy nasad ko ani padong.... huhuhuhuhuhuhu

kaw jud noh?! tsk.. tsk.. tsk..

paeta, manambok nako!!! pero naa man koy duty, pero saon man, cge lang man sad ka late kay dugay mata!! atay biya oi!! waaaaaaaaaah..

wala lang..

...booink...

2005-06-13T12:53:00.000+08:00

squeak.. squeak.. oink.. oink..

booooooo

there area times you may think that i dont care about things, that i really dont give a damn about whatever happens.. but your wrongs. yes, i have to admit, i've been so selfish, all i think about is what i want, what i would rather do.. i've been mean.. im sorry about this, but yes, i do love you.. i am sorry about thses fears that i have.. you were there when i was alone and was lost, i was searching for a place to belong to.. and you were there.. boo, i love you.. thank you..

i stil have these fears in me, but i'll try to let go of them, slowly... i want to live my life..., with no fears, and less regrets...

drama kaayo ko noh?! lolz. wala lang..

hectic things are on the way

2005-06-11T23:09:00.000+08:00

uh-oh.. im sure im going to be busy.. we're going to start our duty.. really!! i hope ill make it..

heheheh

i wish i'd still have time for myself....

hahayst.

2005-06-11T01:04:00.000+08:00

next level na, nursing na!!

im here.. level III in my course.. just started with class.. done with the first week with loads of things to do.. and worse, a lot more is coming.. darn it...

hectic schedules,
sleepless nights,
notes to jot down,
things to search,
my life..

will i be tired of juggling things??

hahays.. kapoya aning nursing oi.. pero wala tay mahems, kay "i want to render care to people" biya kunuhay ko!! hehe

the day you said goodnight

2005-06-07T23:47:00.000+08:00

-hale-

Take me as you are
Push me off the road
The sadness, I need this time to be with you


I'm freezing in the sun
I'm burning in the rain
The silence, I'm screaming, calling out your name


And I do reside in your light
Put out the fire with me and find
Yeah, you'll lose the side of your circles
That's what I'll do if we say goodbye



To be is all I gotta be
And all that I see
And all that I need this time
To me, the life you gave me
The day you said goodnight


The calmness in your face
That I see through the night
The warmth of your light is pressing unto us


You didn't ask me why
I never would have known
Oblivion is falling down



If you could only know me like your prayers at night
Then everything between you and me will be all right


She's already taken
She's already taken
She's already taken me
She's already taken
She's already taken
She's already taken me
The day you said goodnight

i just like the song! hehehe and besides, "hale" man ang artist. so nahan ko!! hehehe wala lang!!!

inspired ko kay tungod sa "sin city"

2005-06-02T22:57:00.000+08:00

sinned
Originally uploaded by the_rabbi.

wednesday, the first of june year 2005, kakita na jud ko ug Sin City!!!!! azzen!!! nakakaexcite!! my look-a-like (jessica alba[the female version of me!] and josh hartnett[me])!! lolz yeah right!! dream on!!! ahehehe "watching" the movie was fun! *giggles* ngano kaha? ahehehe

well anyways, i just like that movie soo much!! even though i didnt understand some part of it(im so dumb kasi!) lolz

and yep!! i finished readin "veronika decides to die" by paulo coelho. it was really a nive book!! there are a lot of fun- facts there and you could learn something. like valuing life blah-blah-blah.. but really!! the book was sooo good.. im turning to the "good light".. ahehehe

uhhmmmm.. that's it!!!!! ahehehe tovs. i wanted to write more things but im feeling gibberish right now. and im so unorganized lately.. blah-blah!

capping and bagding!

2005-05-28T22:52:00.000+08:00

capping and bagding!
Originally uploaded by the_rabbi.

badges and caps!!
the 27th of may has arrived!!! yep. everyone was so excited for that day. and yes, we've got it!! all 119 in our classs received their caps and badges!! exciting!!

the boys were supposed to be in school by 8:00 am to help clean the church. we did our part. although we just went there to watch my class ruel do some "beee-yuuutiful" flower arrangement thing.. waaaaw!!!

the mass was scheduled to start at exactly 12:30 pm. and just as i expected, some of my classmates(and me) came in late. darn it.. it was soo frustrating!! to be late in one of the most awaited events of my college year! *sighs* but fortunately, thanks to me and my sneaking i was able to get inside the mass. well anyways, the priest gave us a good sermon.

the next part of the program was the capping/badge investiture and candle lighting. pretty exciting!! we did our graceful entrance to the church carrying with us, our lamps with candles. then the presentation of 92 candidates for capping and 27 for the badging. but before we lit our candles, there was this part of our ceremony with Ms. Florence Nightingale which was "portrayed" by one of our clinical instructor, Ms. Kimberley Bacus(with custome pa!!! which according to some of my classmates, "milkmaid" daw, and someone even asked me "what was that maid doing?".. WHO ARE YOU CALLING MAID??? that was our ever pretty CI!! watchout lang ka sa return demo! hehe

the speaker gave us one speech which really touched us!! (*touches myself*). "do you know,where your going to, i forgot the other lyrics.. something with that line. we now have a great responsibilities in our shoulder and how we love , our personality, our work, reflects what we are. hehehe

then the giving of some academic awards. congrats to Maricar Quiros, Michael Lois Cervantes, Mary Grace Medina for the awards.. especially to Graec who got the highest average and gave everyone a "mesmerizing" welcome address!! (*giggles*)

then the pictures!!!!!!!!! uhmm.. dont have a copy of the class picture yet. but wait for it.. hehehe

i got my badge!!!!! this time, "i" rock!!!!! yoohooo!!!! weeeeeeee!!!!!!

im so happy!! i thought i wouldnt make it.. well, goodluck to me.. hehehe

thank God!! and thanks to my family and friends, to you know who you are!, to my everyone!!! my sponsors?(*laughs*)

duty na ni ron... cge, IC nasad ni...

starting a new life

2005-05-26T17:13:00.000+08:00

ive got to start a new life. a life with what makes me happy. i dont care about other people.. i guess.
honestly, im a bit fucked p with the past few days.. the thoughts that wer driving me insane.. i had nothin that kept me going.. but now.... well... i hope we'll make it. i still have fears, but i know he'll be there..
*sighs*

i just felt like wanting to belong.. now.. i hope.. and i wish nothin bad would happen.. i just had enough of this stuff....

yogi.

capping/badging investiture

2005-05-25T00:21:00.000+08:00

oink
Originally uploaded by the_rabbi.

ccmc-cn, in consortium with csc-st, would like to call the candidates for capping/badging invesiture.. blah-blah-blah

guys!!! guess what? all those injection stuff and the enema thing, everything high pitched voices we heard from our beloved CI's pays off. i mean, i passed!!!!! me and the rest of my classmates!!!!

well, here it is.... capping for the girls. (that white cap worn by female nurses), and badging(the circle thing, badge, pinned on the lieft side, near the name plate) for the boys..

we are all a bit excited for this, at long last, we can wear this all white uniform, go to different special assignments and do some experiments with the patients(NOT!) hehehe well anyways, we get to go on duty and be like real nurses.. i dont know if i should be excited about it, its really tiring.. *sighs* but at least its a good way to loose some weight! *giggles*

the capping/badging ceremony will be held in guadalupe church at exactly 1:00pm for the thanksgiving mass to be followed by the ceremony proper on the 27th of May, 2005..

unfortunately, i wont be celebrating it that much. maybe just have to treat my parents. and probably go to bohol. i dont know..

thank you guys for the support! more power!! lolz!!!

the_rabbi

end this foolishness

2005-05-24T22:21:00.000+08:00

i have to end this foolishness.. im sorry.. it took me a long time to say this, but i have to say it.

i dont want anything anymore!!! and yeah, call me whatever you want!.

sorry

giggles

2005-05-22T23:39:00.000+08:00

kris aquino!!!!

a-ha-ha-ha-huh.

giggles

.homosexual.

2005-05-22T00:20:00.000+08:00

why is it that when good-looking people turn out to be homosexual, they consider it as sayang?
why sayang? are homosexuals supposed to be the people who doesnt look good? dont we have the right to be goodlooking homosexuals?!

or is it just because you have some hidden agenda with them.

besides, its not like all homosexuals are the same as you see in the salon or in some bars.

hhmmmpffft!!!

hmmm..

2005-05-21T23:57:00.000+08:00

what s good?
what is bad?
who gets to decide on what's good and what's not?

good can be bad, and bad can be good. isn't it confusing?
---------

there are times when we want to do things to forget things, we shift our attention at something, but we never get "over" it. we just keep lying to ourselves.

---------

ok, here's the thing. im so freaked out with a lot of things right now and im confused.
hahay..

tovs.

oh no.....

2005-05-20T15:28:00.000+08:00

im in trouble. i dont know how to solve this thing going on right now. darn it.

i dont know. im not sure of things right now. i am so pissed with myself. ahak oi. im not what you think i am. i never was innocent. i am the meanest person i ever know. and i say a lot of bad things, i enjoy playing around with people's feelings. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.. NOT.

ahak oist. im not supposed to be that good, and i dont deserve any of this. ataya ani life oi. galibog-libog ra ko sa akong self. im not ready.

sorry.

shiny long black silky chuva hair

2005-05-17T11:44:00.000+08:00

*laughs out loud*

wayuka gurl!

*giggles*

haba ng hair ko.. azzen

nagovil na si oka..

lolz

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

ooooooooooooohh-weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

maktub

2005-05-15T23:32:00.000+08:00

i just finished reading "the alchemist" by paulo coelho. what a break! ahehehe

it was nice. great. life changing? i learned a lot of things from that book. life, we are in control of it. and fate is just a freaking lame excuse of things. denial ra man na ang fate oi. we are responsible for our actions and that to get something that we want to have, just set our goals and never loose hope. listen to our heart. we have to be strong for our personal legend and stuff chuva. ehehe and basta, daghan pa kaayo.. hehehehehe

ambot!

the_rabbi

waw..

2005-05-15T00:58:00.000+08:00

*giggles*

i went to SM with my female friend. itago natin siya sa pangalang, girl. ahehehe we ate sandwiches, donuts, and sandwiches. we were supposed to watch the MTV summit, but we changed our minds. it was sooooo i dont know.. populated? ahehehe well anways, we just strolled sa mall. i saw this one cute wooden necklace. wala lng. hehehe

my shoulder blade(or ambot unsa ni, clavicle man ni sa among anatomy), was so like hot daw!! waw.. ahehehe

haba ng hair ko!! ahehehehe

*shows shoulder* ahehehehe

wala lang.. manabi lang ko!!

yehey!! invited ko muwatch buhat sila ug MTV sa iya uyab!! hmmmm... publicity? lolz

the_rabbi

happy mama's day!!

2005-05-08T20:31:00.000+08:00

Mothers

If there is something one cannot do without, it is mother. Father loves her, daughter imitates her, son ignores her, salesmen thrive on her, motorists hurry around her, teachers phone her, and the woman next door confides in her.

She can be sweeter than sugar, more sour than lemon, all smiles, and crying her heart out – all within any given two-minute period.

She likes sewing, detective stories, having her birthday remembered, church, a new dress, the cleaning woman, father’s praise, a little lipstick, flowers and plants, canasta, dinner out on Sunday, tea, and the newspaper boy.

She dislikes doing the dishes, father’s boss, having her birthday forgotten, the motorist behind her, spring-cleaning, Junior’s report card, rainy days, the neighbor’s dog, stairs, and the man who was supposed to cut the grass.

She can be found standing by, bending over, reaching for, kneeling under, and the stretching around, but barely sitting on.

She has the beauty of a spring, the patience of a saint, the appetite of a small bird, the memory of a large elephant.

She knows the lowest prices, everybody’s birthday, what you should be doing, and all your secret thoughts.

She is always straightening up after, reminding you to, and taking care of, but never asking for.

Yes, a mother is one thing that nobody can do without. And when you have harassed her, buffeted her about, tried her patience, and worn her out, and it seems that the end of the world is about to descend upon you, then you can win her back with four little words, “Mom, I LOVE YOU”.

-William Greenbaum

I read this “thing” from a book. One of my favorite “thing” to read on mother’s day. Can you relate to this short essay? Aren’t mothers great? I mean, we should all be thankful for without her, what would become of us? She stood there more than our friends would, and even if she gets mad at us when we do stupid things and she may say bad things at us or scream at us, she’s always there. Have you told her you love her? Have you thanked her already? Just give her a hug she will really appreciate it. Happy Mother’s Day to all the mamas out there!!

a song.

2005-05-07T00:41:00.000+08:00

learn to be loney.(from the phantom of the opera)

Child of the wilderness
Born into emptiness
Learn to be lonely
Learn to find your way in darkness

Who will be there for you
Comfort and care for you
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion

Never dreamed, out in the world
There are arms to hold you
You've always known
Your heart was on it's own

So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness
Learn to be lonely
Learn how to love
Life that is lived alone

Learn to be lonely
Life can be lived
Life can be loved
Alone

untitled

2005-05-06T18:03:00.000+08:00

i just wish you are here with me. right beside me. we'd be holding each others hand and laugh our fears away. then i'd look at you in the eye, then i'll tell you how much you mean to me.
you trust me. my words. you have the "confidence" on what i feel for you. you never asked me to prove anything to you. i dont know. i am sorry. i guess i found some kind of freedom in you. you are miles away rfom me. i dont know. im a bit confused. scared? *sighs* i love you...

i dont know what else to say. hehehehehehe

tovma!

maaaniiiiii...........

(i dont know what to put here)

2005-05-04T23:34:00.000+08:00

whew.

today, its the second day that i cant send a message nor call. neither can receive any msgs. haaay.. my phone was soooo silent.. well anyways, i've been busy with study (kunuhay). hehehe and my lola was admitted in the hospital.. everyone's getting admitted, a week or two ago, my uncle(mom's brother), and now, my lola(dad's mom). well, its a bit okay since i think she's getting better. theyd be discharged from the hospital soon!! :D and im going to be stayin at home. alone. and enjoy tv!! internet? maybe.

im hibernating!! when i go out, i hope its mating season!! well, it is always a mating season for me!! hahahaha joke!

the past few days has been silent for me..

*sighs*

kapoya na life oi. life! oh life!! kapoy man ka oi..

wounds

2005-05-01T16:00:00.000+08:00

these wounds in my heart will always be there. it will always be fresh. it still does hurts. but who gives a damn? i dont care. i dont want these wounds to heal, you left me with an open wound, and this will not heal. yeah, im a sadist, so? i dont care. there will always be an empty space in my heart. there will always be something here that would remind me of what i have been to..
when i'll move on, il'll try not to look back. come after me if thats what you want. but i dont know. so what if i'd become the worst person you'll ever know? i dont think i'm going to end up like someone i knew. i hope.

yeah, i have a new person in mylife. although its kinda different, its kinda difficult, trust is all we need. i hope. thank you...

i am so sorry to everyone..

whoa.. new life

2005-04-30T01:24:00.000+08:00

well..
guys. something came up to my life..

what hav i just got into? i have this new friend. like, yeah, smart and stuff. then everything when fast.. i mean.. i liked him. and he said he liked me. no problem with that. but the thing is.. distance.. but i dont give a damn.. right now, while im making this blog, we're still chatting. and it makes me wonder, will this really work? then i remember someone tell me that things happen if we allow it to happen. uhmmm. if WE allow this to work, will this really work? oh God! help!!
will it be really us? i dont know. havent tried this kind yet. hehehe

peanut? *giggles*

drug dose. distilled water? hehehe

2005-04-29T17:26:00.000+08:00

oooooooooh-weeeeeeeeee..

today, it was a fun day for me. indeed, an experience never to forget. hahahaha its so painful.. *sobs*

nursing is a science and an art as well. hahahaha art ka dra bah!? the art of tusok-tusok? hehehe we had our drug administration today! :-)

3 shots!! *moans* first, the intradermal injection, and its so weird to see a bleb form out in your arm.. like, yikes! will it explode? but it didnt. i had a fine nurse. that was my classmate.

some were crying cause they cant take the pain from it. or, they wer scared of injection and seeing blood.(if your scared of blood, why are you takin up this course?!?!)

i was sooooooo nervous, and was being so clumpsy. first, the cottonball fell from my hands, then, i opened the wrong syringe, then when i was trying to aspirate(removing the air from the syringe. you dont want air injected to you!), the needle fell!! waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! then, next, when i was doing the intradermal injection, the needle almost got dettached from the syringe!! so scary... i was so shaky and stuff. then, doing the SQ was a bit okay.. then the IM!!!, the injection site was on the a**!!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh.. ouch!!!

it really feels weird. its like your muscles would have spasms. or something.. waaaaaaaaaaaa.. i feel so tired, but i think it was worth it..

hehehehe

wala lng.. :-) i hope ill make it up to my capping/badging!

no more..

2005-04-28T16:33:00.000+08:00

enough of the lies, enough of the promises. i am tired. i had enough.
i would remember everything we had together, and i would not forget it.
thank you.

p.s.
*ngano wa man ni napublish?! i posted this yesterday.. or i thought it was posted. hahaha

brave?

2005-04-20T22:16:00.000+08:00

today, i was able to try to handle things about my life. i let go of the person that i loved the most, it will never be the same. i let go not because i wanted to, but because i have to. i want them to be happy. finally, it has all ended. i dont want to ruin anything right now. i give up. but this time. just please do what both of you promised me. okay? bantay lang jud lagi mo nako bah.. hehe

somebody told me it was so brave of me to have this decision. what so brave at crying in silence? hiding what you really feel? i dot think that's really brave. but i am really happy for the both of them.

*sighs* i hope things will soon be better and okay..

sighs

2005-04-20T09:20:00.000+08:00

whew.. the events of my life are turning like some kind of a drama series on pinoy tv. and im the antagonist! my favorite part. yesterday, i had an EB. but we just talked and it was soo boring, went home and then suddenly, everything moved so fast. i went out to see the other guy. and we became friend. "we" ra nuon. i understand what he feels, i can relate to everything he tells me about what he doesnt like. he's feelin sorry about the things that happend, but i dont blame him. i've forgiven the other guy. i think.

i know what the other guys feels. i can relate , i've been there. i hope he would be able to appreciate it. and not do what has happened to him..

right now, i want my life back. i want so straighten things up. i've learned a lot.

thanks..

im wishin both of you well, but if ever you'll mesup again, you'll be facing me. i mean, be good. or else.. hehehe

the_rabbi

forever?

2005-04-15T22:13:00.000+08:00

ceejyo
Originally uploaded by the_rabbi.

i was saving this for a very special occasion. some of our fondest memories captured. and i want to know if it was going to be us forever. time passed by, things change, people came to our lives. its sad when we get lost in the corners of these challenges. and then you fall hard down to the ground, waiting for a hand to reach out to you... i've learned a lot. i've felt the beautiful things in life, my world changed, i found myself, i earned friends on the way, i got the courage to stand and fight for everything that i believed in.

as of now, im stil tired of pretending to be okay. im tired of these meaningless smiles that i show to everyone for these past few days. i long to find myself.. have i lost myself in the process of loving the person that i valued most in my life? is this a lesson that i have to learn. he was the first person that i loved the most and changed my life. now we're here in this point..

*sighs*

gugmang giatay.. sakit-sakit lang ani.

nothingness

2005-04-15T17:21:00.000+08:00

things come and go.. we have to dfeal with it.. we have to learn to let go of things. we just cant keep on helping people, teaching them things they dont want to.. and when we let go of people, just dont hold them too tight.. dont force them to do the things which you think is good cause they have to find it for themselves.. we are incharge of ourselves.. we are responsible for our actions..

dont hold someone too tight when he's not yours, you'll never know, he might hate you for that.. but anyways, its not hate that im feeling right now. i just feel so pissed with myself for allowing to be treated like this.but..

but i have to learn things by myself this time...

well. the_rabbi is back.. the_rabbi....

p.s.,
what do you want to do with my life??

goodbyes

2005-04-13T15:07:00.000+08:00

its so sad when things end up to.. i dont know.. kapoya ani uy..

last night, i had an arguement with someone.. dah!! ngano btaw.. hahahaha how sad naman para niya, kay wala siya kaila jud nako.... i hope he'll learn not to mess with me.. samok-samok siya, then mao na?? pa-q!!

well anyways, wala ko kasabot jud uy............ waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

topas ra huna-hunaon.. porbida sad aning gugmang giatay uy!!

cant hink well right now... sakit-sakit lang ni sa atong self.. hahahahahahahaha

whatelse can i do? i feel like wasted, been trying very hard not to loose myself...

pfffffffft!

talk the talk

2005-04-11T22:33:00.000+08:00

today, we had a talk.. i ahvnt seen him for the weekend... then, we met, talked a bit.. our talk didnt started well, but anyways, the point is... (actually, i dont know.. im just holding to the thought), that we are stil both confused.. i guess, but we are friends.. but stil in a commitment, but best friends mi! we had a deal that states we have to keep our barriers low, we would tell each other, be open to one another.. well anyways, i really dont know much, but im going to help myself.. honestly, love pa jud nako cya not as a friend. :( but we have to be this sa.. maybe we'll find out the answers soon.... haay naku...

gugmang giatay.. sagdii lng.. hehehe

friends mi karon...

BF

BestFriends..

for you..

2005-04-09T14:53:00.000+08:00

imsorry if it hasto end this way, im going to miss everything that we've been through. the arguements that we had, the way we used to hangout, the way we would tease each other and laugh, the times we used to cry for each other.. im going to miss them.. here's the thing, i'm tired. i dont wantt o be anything like some kind of "panakip-butas" or anything. im afraid i might not be there when you need me not because i dont want to but because im not the one that you need.

to everyone, please dont think of him as the antagonist in my life.. your are not the antagonist in this story that seems to be so confusing in my part, in our part. instead, i want to thank you for teaching me, for letting me feel the wonders of life. right now, its seems that the "butterflies in my tummy" has turned to maggots, to somethings that has crushing my heart, it seems hard to breathe. it seems to be so difficult to know what is and what is not. what i need and what to do.. although people will say im stupid or anything, its not what your thinking. hey, im doing this for myself. i have to save myself. i have to gain the respect that i lost, i have to stop abusing myself.
i just hope that you would be happy with whatever will happen to your life, a life away from me. i hope noone would be able to hurt you, i hope you'd realize your responsibilities and grow up. i hope that someone would be able to know and understand you, those moodswings and stuff..

i feel like shit right now, i still do love you, but it seems that i dont love myself anymore. i have to find things for myself. im sorry for the humiliation, the pain that you felt, its cant be compared tot he pain that i felt. we cant compare things, we cant relate to each otehr as of now. we are in different situations.. i have no one to run to.. although ni have friends, its goin to be different..

things are going to be different. i lost everything that i put my mind and heart to..
i am the meanest person i know right now..

goodbye isnt even the word for this..

"Foolish"

2005-04-07T11:54:00.000+08:00

"Foolish"See my days are cold without you But I'm hurtin while I'm with you And though my heart can't take no more I keep on running back to you See my days are cold without you But I'm hurtin while I'm with you And though my heart can't take no more I keep on running back to you Baby I don't know why ya treatin me so bad You said you love me, no one above me And I was all you had And though my heart is eating for yaI can't stop crying I don't know howI allow you to treat me this way and still I stay See my days are cold without youBut I'm hurtin while I'm with you And though my heart can't take no more I keep on running back to you See my days are cold without you But I'm hurtin while I'm with you And though my heart can't take no more I keep on running back to you Baby I don't know why ya wanna do me wrongSee when I'm home, I'm all alone And you are always gone And boy, you know I really love you I can't deny I can't see how you could bring me to so many tears after all these years See my days are cold without you But I'm hurtin while I'm with you And though my heart can't take no more I keep on running back to you See my days are cold without you But I'm hurtin while I'm with you And though my heart can't take no more I keep on running back to you OohhhhhI trusted you, I trusted youSo sad, so sad what love will make you do All the things that we accept Be the things that we regret Too all of my ladies (ladies) Feel me c'mon sing wit me See, when I get the strength to leave You always tell me that you need meAnd I'm weak cause I believe youAnd I'm mad because I love youSo I stop and think that maybeYou can learn to appreciate meThen it all remains the same thatYou ain't never gonna change (never gonna change, never gonna change) See my days are cold without youBut I'm hurtin while im with you And though my heart can't take no more I keep on running back to you See my days are cold without you But I'm hurtin while im with you And though my heart can't take no moreI keep on running back to you Baby why you hurt me leave me and desert me Boy I gave you all my heartAnd all you do is tear it upLooking out my windowKnowing that I should go Even when I pack my bagsThis something always hold me back

am i soo foolish???

help me..

2005-04-07T11:48:00.000+08:00

i am so sad today..

i havent slept..i feel lost.. i want to runaway from all these pain.. i dont know.... was it really only him??? who else is there?? i dont know... i rreally dont...

well, beter go back to scholl right now.. i dont want to ruin my life..

you were the most beautiful thing in my life... now, i am scared to show my feelings, i am scared of everything else.. and im sorry if im not enough..

if i have the right, i'll wait.. wait for your decision..

hurt

2005-04-06T18:16:00.000+08:00

fucked up.....

it hurts, i cant get the picture out of my head.. i cant help myself.. im sorry if i screamed at you or slapped you or punched you, i was so "overwhelmed" with my emotions..

help me!! somebody.. please.............

the holy week

2005-03-29T14:54:00.000+08:00

the holy week week i had didnt turned out as what i planned to do.. spend the days with my uyab, sleep over. i had plans of spending every minute out of it since it was the only "vacation" i have for now. but my mom said i have to stay home. mika galore! bored to death. and my brother was pissing me off a bit.. darn it.. it was ,,i dont know.. we had a "bisit inglesia" instead of 7, we only went to 6 churches. from san vicente ferrer to st. ignatius to sto. rosario then to USC church, and from there, walked to the cathedral, and finished it off at sto. niño with a stop over before going home at chowking for some halo-halo.. yum? hehehehe i dont know.. we're supposed to be having some "fasting".. hehehe

now, i so messed up with school.. the clearance, the heat.. failing grades(damn), and some freaking things that comes up...

damn.. im pissed..

peace diay.. hehehe

the students rocked the auditorium

2005-03-22T22:06:00.000+08:00

yesterday, 21st of march 2005, the sophomores of CCMC-CN totally rocked the school auditorium. it was an awesome event that we had there. the guests enjoyed the plays and although the dean walked out because she was tired from the day's work, we are proud to say that they were allured with these different presentations.

it was kinda funny though since there were no "real" practice, more like of an "impromptu" or something like that. well anyways, the presentation was about "Philippine Literature Through the Years" - a culminatng event of what we have lewarned throughout this semester by our professor, Mr. Edwin Pilapil. it wasnt that organized, but we all managed.

it started with some story telling with a lot of dances, which moved to the story of "Tungkong Langit and Alunsina", a role play filled entertaining catch phrases, and there were some chorale reading, to vairety shows, to original pieces from the the student's brillant minds, to shadow plays, some musicals.

although the lighting effects were not so good(which is not totally our fault), we were still sparkled and glittered in the dark lights. and even if our back drops(the visual background--whatever they call it) we not really as lively as they should be, they were moved by the audiences creative mind which we had endowed them by our "intelligence"(?) --uhmm,, i really dont know.. hehehe

im not bragging about this, but all in all, we were good. inspite of our hectic schedule for our Individual Conference and a tight budget for out coming major event and busy for the exams, we stil made it.. with three days practice, it was... okay.. i guess..

the school auditorium was filled with the music of the audiences, we were amateurs, we did it with out own effort. and we had fun seeing the people watching us had fun..

in behalf of my classmates, we would like to thank God, our teachers, our friends, our love ones, ..everyone.. we thank you...

is it really unfair?

2005-03-20T23:57:00.000+08:00

yesterday, i was able to spend some time with my friend. her boyfriend and her just had 3 years and a month. she was abit depressed for some reasons that i cant tell anyone else. well, we had fun talking about things. later, when we were able to talk. it was a bit sad. she told me that maybe she was blinded with emotions, being depressed, she doesnt feel him caring for her. and she still loves him inspite of that but she feels that she's just fooling herself. i mean, maybe she was just tired. but in love, do we have the right to be tired? a time out? is there such a thing? how i wish i could have helped her. but she told me she was thankful that she was able to let it all out. uhmmm. then, something got me. we were sharing thoughts about some points of life. and what we both found out was that maybe life is unfair. love is unfair. but later, i asked myself? why is it unfair? we did have our choices, and that was our decision to be in such place. even if how much we express our love to someone, we shouldn't expect that they are going to treat us that way. we are all different. some people give up easily, others pursue on their goals, while some would hide themselves inside them which usually turns out to be too late..

what really annoys me about myself is that, i sometimes say to myself "if only i didn't", but what i usually say is that "if only id did, then maybe"..

*breathes hard*

she taught me something that i always turned down. that i do have friends. that talking does help soothen our feelings. but i do hope they get back soon.. it would be a sad ending for the both of them to break up because they werent able to talk things out and we holding back..

although things maybe unfair, we have to make sacrifices, butwe dont have to force ourselves. each of us has a limit. but only we can decide where the limits are. patience is a virtue, but if patience will ran out, where will we find it? is it just there where we left it? hidden? or is it does it falter like everything else? how soon will it come back? i've got lots of questions, but i dont want to think of them as final exams(which i flunked), maybe the answers would just come after us. and maybe, it's just teaaching us something we have to learn..

zhoinks!!

painting

2005-03-18T19:31:00.000+08:00

hah!! im playing gunbound right now.. yesterday was something to that makes me think about things.. i seem to have found the "cure" for this loneliness thing.. altough it didnt camew in a box or bottle or something else.. i went to sm.. the painting thing there? its was pretty fun.. it seems that i could do what i want to the figurine. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.. did had fun.. got some chucks!! and he was there!!

haaaay. life is so hard.

2005-03-16T22:43:00.000+08:00

i wish i were free. its not free from someone, i just wish i can do the things that i want. i can learn things my way. i wasnt this easy thing you can just tell to do things. i have my life. i wish theyd just let me be who i amm and accept me for that. i wish i could express what i really feel. i wish i could just do the things that i want. i've been waiting for so long to be what i really am. until now, im still searching for what i am. i am tired of this life. but i wont give up. i shouldnt give up. i have friends, i have a special someone, and i will never give up for him. and i have myself.. i have myself to give comfort to. i have to understand what i really feel. oh god. help me. i wish i could scream out all these inside me. make them understand. i wish i wasnt dependent on others, i wish i could have stand on my own.. i guess all i need is time to get all these.. one day, i'll be fly away from all these problems and be carefree like i used to be when i was a child.

damn.

i miss you...

2005-03-16T20:49:00.000+08:00

gugmang giatay, gauros-uros.. kamingaw dili masabot.. karong taknaa, imong mga halok akong gpangita.. kasing-kasing ko gashagit, sa imong ngalan nga unta kanimo madungog... gihigugma ko ikaw....

dreams?

2005-03-14T10:28:00.000+08:00

lately, i've been having these strange dreams. dreams that seems to be telling me something, yet, i can't figure out what they mean. its like i always wake up before the "ending" starts.

first, i dreamt about being someone else who can transform into something it touches, the other night, i dreamt that i was some monster that seems to be frightened by hurting people, and last night, i dreamt that i was a leader of some weird cult that has some pagan practices. and the only thing common in these dreams is that he was always there, and i could hug him tight, but then i'm supposed to hurt him for my survival, but when im about to do such thing, i can't.. and so then he leaves me... geez, i dont know what it's trying to tell. and im scared to know what it means..

this month, i've been feeling down. it seems that i am lost, that i want to reach out for someone.. i've been so insecure lately, scared to loose him, scared to be away by his side. damn. i wish i just could be strong enough to face what i'm feeling right now. strong enough to tell him what i want. i need him.. i dont know if he needs me, but i do need him. and i love him.. i don't care about what's going to happen to me in the future, but i loose him, maybe... maybe then, i could find myself in the deepest ocean, wanting for serenity..

my dreams, what are they trying to me.. what am i supposed to do? how can i face these fers that i have?

damn.

tovma! hehehehehe

lost

2005-03-12T00:57:00.000+08:00

i feel lost, i am searching for something that i used to have, i am looking for the things that i already have.. its seems that my sense of directon is not working quite well this week.. its like, my chest is empty, and my migraine is getting worse everyday. oh GOd! what does this mean? how i wish i could do the things that i want?! its not like someone is telling me to do things, i want to follow my heart, but my mind is tearing me apart from it.i dont know where i am.. i am insecure of the things around me, of the people who i met, the people in my life.. oh how i wish i could find the way to "balance" evrything up. i dont know what im feeling. i need you!
God help me!

confusing

2005-03-12T00:49:00.000+08:00

i dont know..

love isnt that hard, its just something you have to prove <-- easy for some people to say!, but how can love be proven when you dont even recognize what the other person has done to you? i mean, we all have our insecurities, but dealing with it makes us better. right? but how can we deal with it? how can we deal with our fears? facing them and not knowing what will happen after it? is that the risk we all have to take? why is it that we regret things when its too late?*giggles*..

we make decisions, but a lot always end up saying, "if only.." or blame other people? why cant you just face your decisions and make your wrong decision be right? im really so confusing noh?! ahehehe actually, i really dont know what to right down here..

lemme understand

2005-03-10T16:27:00.000+08:00

haaaay.. i dont get it.. i dont understand.. i dont know what, i dont know why.. i feel like i want to shout bt i cant, i want fart but i want to puke.. i dont know!! NOT!!

really, i just fone know what it is or why.. but i dont blame anything or anytone for it.. who else is there to blame??

sad...

naks

2005-03-10T16:19:00.000+08:00

i just had my first IC(indiviual counseling) at school, it was a bit easy.. ahehehe im not bragging about it, but the question really was not that mind boggling! ahehehe well, i hope i could make it with the other subjects.. uhhhmmmm... what else is there to say? gotta go.. stil got to be in class.

some message.

2005-03-09T16:46:00.000+08:00

here's some message i read from a friend of mine..

its not wrong to love someone you loved before,
but if the love you feel brings tears to someone,
be fair!! cause you might never know that the one you hurt,

is the one who could love you even more..

oh no..

2005-03-08T23:18:00.000+08:00

yeah, i did make a terrible mistake.. i love him so much.. with i dont know.. i want to say everything, but you might think its korny, but i really dont care.. that's what i feel, and you cant do anything about it.. oh, i deleted the post before this one.. i was "over-whelmed?" i mean, over powered with emotions. i guess.. but i dont know.. i was so scared, maybe, maybe, i shouldnt be.. but i really wasnt able to help myself, i sought for his presence, his voice at that time, and i felt alone. im so sorry... you know i love you.. i love you so much...dang..

to the most beautiful thing in my life,
i love you, and i always will.. and im sorry if im stubborn at times, ill try to control my emotions.. i love you..

oh no..

2005-03-08T23:07:00.000+08:00

i was truly upset and sad of what has happened.. i deleted what i last poseted here.. i didnt like it.. i was stupid.yeah.. maybe got carried with the emotions and stuff. yeah yeah yeah.. i know.. i shouldnt havc jumped into conclusion and those kinds of stuff, but i couldnt help me.. it was so damn.., i dont know.. i was so so scared.. okay, here's the thing.. i love him, and i dont want to loose him.. even if i have to face , the mirror? ahehehe i dont know.. basta, im so sorry for what ive done.. i love you..

alone

2005-03-07T22:55:00.000+08:00

haays... im so sad today.. i havent seen him nor touched his hand for 2 days.. i guess.. i really miss him.. and.. i dont know what else i'll do.. it's so cold.. and i'm not feeling that well.. help me! i wish there was something that i can do to make this pain go away.. i wish i could pick my heart, open it, clean it up, and sew it back.. i really dont know what to do.. i really do love him......

dang.

2005-03-07T20:00:00.000+08:00

the sweetest things in this world today have come to us through tears and pain
-J.R. Miller

yet,..

2005-03-07T01:37:00.000+08:00

ryetherabbi

i love him.. so much.. much more than this world can offer. yet, im too insecure. insecure of the people around him, the things that he does, insecure of myself, scaring myself, tellin myself things i dont want to think about. i am so scared. can anyone help me? i dont want to lose my life. im trying so hard to let go of these fears that seems to stay here with me, within me.. i love him.. so much.. much more.. i know i make mistakes, i know im not perfect, and i really dont know what to say when i dont feel good about things that it justs blurts out..(or something like that).. it seems like even if how much i try to hde things, i can help it.. i want to be careful with my words.. i love him.. so much.. much more... i can stay beside him for the rest of my life, ill try to manage the things so that i'll have time for me, and that e'll have to for me.. even if i dont have that much, i'll give everything i have just so that i can see him, to touch him, to feel his soft lips and hold his hands and be caught by his strong arms.. i love him.. so much.. much more.. what ever happens to me, i know i'm sure that i gave him my all.. and maybe it would be my fault to expect things.. expect the things i should expect from someone.. i read this thing from some waiting shed! ahehehe forced kindness doesnt need to be appreciated, or something like that.. i really dont now the right words, but hell no! ahehehe awnyways, i am terribly sorry if i have to post this.. and im terribly sorry if i've done a lot of things and said words that,.. uhmmm how do i say this? like.. i know its wrong to say i didnt mean them but i was jsutcarried out by my emotions by that time, alone, by myself.. and being envious.. i am deeply sorry....

i love him.. so much.. much more...

tired

2005-03-06T17:00:00.000+08:00

wow... its really tiring to be a student.. hehehe but one has to do his responsibilies for is own good. lolz.. just finishd our documenation for our school thing.. its was really fun making it, got to spend the night at my cousin's place with my classmates and friends.. ahehe and cook pancit canton for breakfast and dinner. ahehehe and we worked hard just to make this one koo concept of my classmate, pop-up documents inside a CHN bag(if you know what a CHN bag is, great, but if not.. sorry).. i hope our clinical instrustor could appreciate our efforts trying to make one unique way of presenting some documents.. we spent a lot of effort in it.. and time as well. we didnt even had any weekends.. we just stayed there.. special people of my classmates went there to help and stay. and my special person went there for an overnight.. but nothing bad really happened there, every did had some "bonding" and became a bit closer to one another.. its really fun making it, especially if everyone would do their part, and help one another.. ahehehehe i do hope that would help me pass my failing subject.. :-(

till then.. ciao...

the_rabbi, on my first post..

2005-03-05T07:50:00.000+08:00

woohoo!!! my first post... ahehehe well, i really dont know what tos ay.. i'm just happy.. hehehe i love you uyab!! mwah!! ahehehe well anyways, uhmm.. i'll think about it.. gotta go... ciao!